Happiness is not the same for everyone.
At first, I thought happiness was wealth and access to your dreams. Later, I learned that having physical things like a boat, car, gadgets, etc. led to worries.
I started to wonder if happiness was freedom of time, less stuff, less work, and less stress. After this discovery, I reminded myself that I’m not considering the fact that I am living in seasons of depression/anxiety vs. mania/euphoria that tend to change pace 2-4 times per year and that having no obligations or pressure, I get bored and worried.
This lead to the question of finding balance, I’m either On or Off which often causes uncontrollable situations like me switching from one project to another and finding new interest that drives me in a new direction. It often results in mental discomfort or frustration which I often perceive as unhappiness.
The big question is, am I just an unhappy person, do I suffer from Bipolar or ADHD and can I find a balance that will keep me going and “happy”, a meaning to life that will eliminate the frustration. There are of course many other factors that I think impact my happiness…
I love action; riding enduro, doing supermotard wheelies, slalom skiing, 4x4 car drifting on snow. I’ve always had different opportunities in life to perform these activities, but they all make me exhausted afterward and lead me into an endless anxiety loop where I think of risks and the vitality of the activity.
I also make up stories about what I’m here to do on this planet, my big moments, and the god send tasks tailored to my abilities, experience, and needs, that will impress everyone and make me happy and famous (or infamous).
All the things I’ve tried to do and learned or mastered are all part of this “Finding My Thing and Through That My Happiness” kind of Master Scheme.
I always end up unfulfilled, unhappy, frustrated, lonely, anxious, and depressed.
Unfulfilled, meaning, I seldom get the results due to lack of patience.
Unhappy because I don’t get feedback or a sign of interest from others wanting to join
Frustrated since I don’t feel in place or like it’s the correct thing to continue doing
Lonely, since I never get anyone onboard my projects or never get hired or invited
Anxious since I have no idea when I get back my happiness and feel like I’m wasting time
Depressed - Life has no meaning and I’ve found a way to do what I want but I don’t know why I’m not impressing myself or anyone else; I’m thinking if my life is worthless.
My life has been a rollercoaster and I have been capable of doing many great things, but today I have realized that the main feeling I have is a lack of community or solidarity. There is no one I can talk to or no people who have the same drive, enthusiasm, creativity, curiosity, or ambitions as me and it is eating me from the inside since I’ve got no idea where to find these like-minded and interesting people in this messy digitalized world.
The pilgrimage to finding happiness may sound depressing, and it is since life has no greater meaning and the journey requires focus and determination otherwise, you will end up lonely and lost in the darkest corners of your mind.
What also fascinates me is that my experimentation with the intake of caffeine, alcohol, and supplements has shown some benefits to controlling the mind, but they certainly alter your mind drastically. In the long run, it still does not make an impact.
I can be off alcohol or caffeine for months and the happiness curve will still adapt.
Even regular walks, gym exercise, and ecological, carnivore, or other restrictive diets have shown a minimal effect on my mental well-being and happiness.
I also find that love and comfort will activate my frustration and anxiety; I want action!
The most frightening thing is that I have never found a single person with the same traits or problems that I have, which leads to more questions that fucks up my compass even more.
These are some contradicting thoughts and feelings that also annoy me:
I want to be the center of attention but I don’t want to be judged or disliked
I want to be a teacher and leader, but I don’t want to be managing stupid people
I love to be creative, but the freedom it brings makes me confused and uncertain
I hate to be told what to do and I often break rules but I want others to follow my rules
I also have a dream of owning my own house with a workshop in the yard, which I pretend will make me happy. I know exactly how to make the money for the down payment in under 12 months, and I’ve even done it once but I still spent it on other things.
All of these things bring me back to the initial question, what the fuck is happiness really? And why do I go on sidetracks and get uncertain with a few months in between sessions?
I still romanticize a life as a full-time YouTube, podcaster, or movie star in a reality show, documentary, or drama. The thing is here that I’ve thought for over a year that I can manifest my way to that kinda of success, that utopian state of happiness.
Still, I’ve learned to listen to myself and a friend of mine who told me: If you are meant to do that, then why is it so damn hard for you to keep a schedule and get it done?
You have to enjoy the ride, because the way to success or any milestone or goal is the real deal, the path is the reality of your future self.
I think that this means that anything that feels wrong, off, or misaligned is not meant for you. But, it's also essential to distinguish between when the work is hard and when the work feels wrong because quitting when it’s hard is another different thing.
So, am I a failure then? An unhappy 29-year-old mentally wicked human living in a depressing small town in Finland, without a future, lacking confidence, masculinity, and direction? Well, that’s how it feels when life is lonely and confusing.
To really be happy, I want to do everything, because I’m as they say “a jack of all trades and a master of none” and I certainly feel that I’m better than a master of one, since I know a whole lot more about working on a business than working in it, compared to the average employee for example.
If I want to be in the center and not be told what to do and If I don’t like tedious video production, should I only be in front of the camera or the mic, instead of operating the camera or sitting for hours at a computer, editing clips?
But how do I really get to run a business or “run the show”, so to say, run a podcast or YouTube channel for example, without having an unsustainable split of work? Now I’ll do only 10% production (which I love) and 80% post-production (which I hate) + 10% admin which truly sucks ass even tho I’m good at it.
I think what I really want is to have a production with a team. The Life Puzzler Video Podcast and The Life Puzzler quotes on TikTok
I as the director and face of the show
One long-form editor and producer
One social media manager who knows TikTok & Instagram etc.
Maybe I just have to stop complaining.
But I have? This is just writing.
And when I get depressed and land in a rut I just go with it and enjoy my anxiety and depression while it lasts, because the good times feel 10x better when you know how it feels at the bottom.
What should I do when I feel unhappy?
Most often my unhappy sessions go away on their own...
But sometimes, I feel completely empty and hopeless.
That's when I'd like to take control, but I really don't know what to do at times like that.
Frankly I'd rather have the capability to enjoy the moment and run the race in the Matrix than constantly overthink happiness, meaning and success.
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